I’m trying to remember the last thing my mom said to me.
Were we fighting?
I wouldn’t be surprised.
We fight a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot. Some would say too much.
We don’t think so.
We simply attribute it to our Mediterraneaness.
That makes me smile.
Why are you smiling?
I stop smiling.
I’m warm now. Very warm.
Not unseasonably warm. Not hot. Just warm. Like slipping into a nice bath.
That would be nice.
A bath.
I feel so dirty. Slimy. So incredibly slimy.
I’m sure I smell too. Not in a good way.
Not like flowers.
Not like coconut.
Not like the faint scent of him that lingers.
Look at me.
I turn my head slightly.
How long has that crack been there?
Right where the ceiling meets the wall.
It certainly is not a gash.
Definitely not a danger to the foundation of the room.
Still. It’s a crack.
Slender.
Winding.
Splitting into three distributaries like some big river delta.
Inhale.
The tingling in my fingers has stopped.
That was the worst. From pain, to excruciating pain, to tingling.
Now nothing.
I wonder why?
Don’t move your head.
Fine.
I can’t remember where that crack is.
Remember when we were young and you had to jump over cracks in the pavement?
Step on a crack, you break your mother’s back.
I never wanted to break my mother’s back.
I still don’t.
I didn’t then.
I should have visited her.
I should have listened to her.
She’s going to be so upset.
Stop crying.
I don’t want her to be sad.
Stop crying.
I never wanted to make her upset.
I said, stop crying.
That hurt.
A lot.
I thought I was done with feeling.
But this is a new pain.
Not a tingling in the finger.
It is a throbbing in the stomach.
Pulsating.
I can feel my heart beat, a thumping bass to the melodious clang of the AC.
He never let me turn on the AC.
What a hypocrite.
Stop laughing.
That shouldn’t surprise me.
Hypocrites are liars.
He is a liar.
An especially mean liar.
A cruel liar.
Don’t look at me.
I tilt my head.
I found the crack again.
Why does it seem so far away.
And wider.
Like something will crawl out of it.
A spider or something.
But nothing does.
Just darkness.
A black, black, black ray of light.
Swimming toward me.
A cloud of dark satin.
I loved you once.
I know.
You did.
And I loved you.
I trusted you.
How stupid was I?
But that’s love.
I’m going to say bye now.
Why are you crying?
Why is is so warm?
It’s hot.
It’s very hot.
Please.
Please.
Mom!
Mom!
She’s not here.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
Quiet. And now it’s bright.
