The Guilt Outside My Window

My window feels pain, sorrow, discomfort and struggle. As I sit in my rocking chair and watch birds fly by, children laughing and playing, my friends ride by on bikes pocket stuffed with candy. I notice a rain cloud in the distance, I notice the birds drop to the ground dead, lifeless. I notice the kid being excluded from playing games. I noticed the kids laughing and playing shrink to nothing but bones and rotting flesh. But above all I noticed what I’ve done wrong, I see every time I tell someone to shut up or go away. I see the time I hurt the people around me, all the mistakes I made. What I could have done better. 

I’ve always held myself accountable for the things I’ve done wrong in this world, I always told myself that guilt is half of my guardian angel’s punishment. And that the rest is physical. Whether that be a bloody nose, if my hand gets stuck in the car door, I always think to myself what could I have done better? What mistake did I make to deserve this punishment? Although I’ve never even stepped foot inside a church I believe that there is something watching over me keeping me safe. And I believe that punishment is part of keeping me safe and loving me. And that’s a big part of what I see out of my window.

Furthermore, I also have a really hard time letting go of the pain I’ve caused to people in this world. I think it’s a burden but also the greatest weapon I have in this world. I see a lot of people who do something wrong and just let it roll off and not pay attention to it. When that happens it means you’re not learning. It means you’re not expanding your view of the world. and that’s why I always try to understand the decisions I make and why I made it and then learn and progress from that point. But always remember the past.

My window is a poem of pain and sorrow. Guilt overwhelming your chest, you feel heavy and unsettled, stuck in a balance of forgetting and remembering. Inside me and outside my window.

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