Outside my window?
Huh, what a funny question, isn’t it…?
Alice in Wonderland once lived outside my window. When in need of my silver lining I called out her name, and she swindled me into her spider web. I knew the cost of my darkness led to the consumption of cheap gold, but the need to escape the thorns pricking blood in my throat was stronger. I couldn’t help it, the sweet violin that followed Alice’s footsteps gently coaxed me so I climbed out mywindow and followed her helplessly into the rabbit hole.
She wrapped the blanket of imagination around the thread of hell existing in my soul. She cradled me in her arms and in replacement of feeling the stabbing thorns in my throat called memories; she soothed me to sleep with her lullabies. Her soft, melodic voice was coated in sugar and honey that lingered in my mouth… what a pathetic way I fell into her trance so easily.
A trace at which I was sleeping beauty at her finest, but a true love’s kiss did not awaken me pleasantly. No, for my awakening there was a looming melancholy that grazed me into the penetration of time. Losing time, time is lost. Tick Tock, Tick Tock. The hands of a clock weren’t meant to stop yet with me the hands of a clock were practically begging to drown me into my death.
The anchor felt lonely falling into the sea by itself, so it called me… but then so did I, so who did I call? I had fallen… like the stupidest idiot, I fell. But I did not let out a sound, and instead letting my body do the work. Flailing my arms in mid-air but the wind against my skin felt like thorns drawing blood. When I was a child, all I wanted was to paint the roses, little did I know it would be with my own blood. There were chessboards, a pocket watch, a violin, and more insignificant objects floating like lily pads in a riverbank through the rabbit hole. I wanted to float like a lily pad but instead my body clashed against each and every object, forming pink and purple trademarks on my body. Within arms-reach I gripped the pocket watch, only for it to smirk and disappear. Damn you, Alice…
“Enough of the games, Alice. You’ve failed to entertain me” I spoke in a monotone voice.
“Jeez, took ya long enough to acknowledge mypresence, ya moron…” she said.
At once the immense tugging from the anchor stopped and gravity wasn’t glaring at me. The endless falling had reached an end, and I remained in mid-air floating among the nearby objects as I pleaded to be earlier. I turned my head to take a good look at the rabbit hole that circled itself around me like a merry-go-round. It looked just as I remembered from the past years, displaying its checkered black and white patterns. I imagined throwing a dart perfectly to the middle of each white square I watched.
In the midst of my thoughts Alice pulled me roughly to her side and dragged me by the wrist. By then, I never stopped asking the same questions, ‘Why am I here? How did you get so old? How did I get here? Where are we going?’ I behaved like a toddler tugging at her rough hand every 5 minutes, yet she never left. Even when I persisted in mypursuit of interrogating her, all she did was chuckle and say, “follow me.”
Traveling farther into the depths of the rabbit hole, it began illuminating a bright red with little tints of orange and yellow. The closer we got upon our arrival there were rows of film strips with mychildhood memories surrounding us. The sequences of images with each tiny square holding specific colors to resonate with the feelings associated in the memories at the time. Most of them were just black and white… to my suprise Alice didn’t seem to care.
Whenever we touched a specific memory, it would enlarge like a movie projector and start playing the memory. Under Alice’s force we stayed looking through all my childhood memories. From the great, worst, horribly embarrassing, and ugliest of ugly. It was torturous, all I did was get teased by her! Damn you, Alice…
It’s not like she wasn’t embarrassing herself either… I mean she was oddly weird talking all about her mushy gushy feelings, gross. But she was quite interesting.
Alice chatted the most between the both of us, and that left me to observe her. When I glanced her way, she smiled as if in her own way she was reassuring me that she wasn’t going anywhere. Despite a little appearance and attitude change, her motherly energy still emitted from when we were kids. All was well, only if… she didn’t touch that memory in the film strips. I know it was an accident but… I witnessed that night all over again right in front of my eyes…
She saw it with me too, and I still remember the horror in those once crystal blue now dangerous green eyes. She stared at me in concern, and I stared at the objects floating beneath me. I could tell she was weary because of the lack of reaction I tried to display.
“When we reach Wonderland, let’s make better memories, yeah?” I lied and for the first time smiled at her.
“Alright!” she lied cheerfully too.
We continued to float in silence through the rabbit hole…
It is a universal law of nature. For every person once born, they bring a seesaw. This seesaw represents their experiences which are classified as “bad” or “good” through the perception of the individual. Throughout the individual’s life, the seesaw will consistently be imbalanced, which is not inherently a bad thing, because of the belief systems which could be past or newly created beliefs that stem from this experience. These seesaws are meant to carry out through lifetimes, till death and into reincarnation for the soul’s evolution of growth.
‘The problem with yours is, rather than having your experiences being balanced or imbalance determined through the seesaw, you’ve put your self-worth and only the experience which YOU think of your entire life which is your childhood trauma. Now this creates a huge power imbalance because since your trauma impacted you and your self-worth this makes your self-worth reach the bottom of the seesaw because it is a representation of the feelings you have towards yourself. The trauma goes to the top of the seesaw because since you had no self-worth you needed an identity and that is your trauma, which you refuse to let go.’
I still remember every word Alice said that day.
When the truths I held in my heart became their faults.
And when Alice in Wonderland disappeared…
Alice and Heart’s Seesaw:
There was another seesaw for Alice and Heart. Their seesaw was parallel, it lived balanced among them as best friends. But Alice knew the end of Heart’s childhood was reaching, and she knew Wonderland was only an unhealthy escapism for Heart’s coping of trauma… so Alice stepped off the seesaw. She left the mind of Heart’s to force her to grow up until…
Alice in Wonderland never existed.
Losing time, time is lost. Tick Tock, Tick Tock.