Water. Water is surrounding me. When I scream nothing comes out. When I struggle no one is there to save me. When I am slowly falling no one is helping me to fly. I’ve had that dream every day for the past 450 days. I try to remind myself that it’s just a dream but it feels so real. Too real. “Devyn get up! Your father will be here soon” yelled Grandma.
I get dressed in a red t-shirt and jeans and walk towards the living room and I see my mother laying on the couch with a food-stained shirt still asleep. I have my breakfast of fruit loops and apple juice. I hear someone pull up in front of the house. I look out of our window and see my dad pulling up in his silver Honda. “Get in the car, I’ve got places to be” he spat. “Does your mother still have no job and making your grandma look after you?” my father asks.
“Yeah but why do you care, you work at 711,” I said, he then sped the car from 35 miles per hour to 50.
“Listen here I can actually take care of you and pay for things unlike her and you watch your tone with me got it!” he yelled.
“Yes,” I said, “Yes what” he replied, “Yes sir” I answered on the verge of tears and got out of the car and headed toward the school doors.
Once I am inside the building I rush toward the school counselor’s room. “Hey Ms. James,” I say.
“Good morning Devyn, to start our morning session I want you to hand me your journal” Ms. James replies.
I hand her the black composition notebook that she gave me at the start of the trimester for me to write my thoughts in. She takes the book and starts to read it then says “Why did you write I want to jump off the school roof and fall to my death?”
“Because writing it is better than doing it” I respond.
“Show me your wrist,” she says harshly.
I show her my cut-up wrist with small scattered scars and look up to see her with a sad look spread across her face. “Why?” is all she can say.
“Because I think that I deserve it. Because my family doesn’t care about me, because I have to put on a fake smile every day, because I feel broken,” I say tearing up.
Ms. James then came over to my side of the table and hugged me which was enough for me to completely sob in her arms. “Devyn you don’t deserve that, your family loves you but they can’t show you that because they still need to love themselves, you are not broken you just need to heal, I want you to say I am enough, I am worth it, I am loved whenever you feel like you want to hurt yourself,” said Ms. James calmly.
I replied “Okay.”