The General Prologue
“I come bearing news of success
For if you want to hear the rest
Sit down and buy me another beer
I’ll call the waitress over here!
Years ago I sat, young and innocent
In your place without a cent.
My friends and I decided to rage,
Full of energy and ready to dage.
The plan was to enjoy life,
It was many years before the idea of a wife.
Now old, fat and happy,
Sitting here after 65 years of yapping.
Always have been large,
Maybe even a few times compared to a barge,
My belly is the elixir of alcohol,
The beer sat there forever adjacent to my gall.
But enough about me,
My beer belly is not what you seek.
You come in search of a story
Regarding my days of glory!”
The Old Timer’s Tale
A Saturday morning it was,
I woke because,
I wanted to start the party early
So I strapped on my bathing suit from Hurley.
I hit the beach with the boys,
Koozies in hand, already making noise.
The kegs had been tapped
By yours truly, everyone clapped.
You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning,
I already had ideas of females to score with.
By half past ten, the keg was empty,
I tapped another, now there was plenty.
The pong table was being set up,
I had first and drained all the cups.
No one could stop me I didn’t miss,
After my tenth win, a pretty blonde named Chloe gave me a kiss,
For the rest of the day she stood with me,
When I go home today, she’s who I’ll see.
But the party continued with only a few bumps,
The cops tried shutting us down, acting like chumps.
There was no stopping me,
I had already consumed more alcohol than the size of the Dead Sea.
Intoxicated I was and am,
I’ve been this way for 50 years, never given a damn.
The dage went on,
After many games of pong,
A new game was decided,
Flip cup it was, and everyone looked delighted.
Finally I could take seat for a few,
My mind spinning because of the brew.
I decided to take a dip in the Ocean,
It was cool and refreshing, I gave Chloe the notion,
She jumped in after me, and we had a blast,
The cops showed up again, I told them to kiss my ass.
Hours passed, but the beer was still plentiful,
By this time, my friends were incomprehensible.
Someone arrived with wood and a lighter,
Soon I was dancing around the flame as a bullfighter.
Beer in my hand, songs in the air,
Screaming “WOO” like Ric Flair!
A dage turned into party,
Hard to conceive that this was once a darty.
Well into the early morning it was,
Almost a day had passed without taking a pause.
The sun was beginning to break on the ocean,
My cup still full of the magic potion,
It was time to head on home,
For the first time I wasn’t going alone.
What a time I had,
Meeting a babe and hanging with the lads,
Surely it wasn’t the last,
But it was the best one from the past.
“I’m sure something will happen soon,
I can still rock all night like a racoon.
Get me more beer and there are stories to come,
If you’re lucky, you will be like me—a bum!
I’ll fill abyss with a few more pitchers,
My blood stream will become much richer.
Then I’ll go home to my queen,
It’s been 50 years and everyday is a dream.
Farewell my friend, I bid you adieu,
Maybe I’ll see you on Sunday, in the first pew!
Goodnight my people, goodnight my stool,
By tomorrow you’ll regret thinking of me as an old fool.
