Why? Why try to wake up when no one will notice you are gone? Why try to act okay when everyone knows you are not okay? My parents tell me to go out and have fun but it’s hard to have fun when you don’t want to have fun. Go to therapy they say, go to church they say but It’s hard to go to church when you feel like you being baptized into a pool of sadness and hopelessness. It’s hard saying I’m fine when I’m really not fine. My mind is painting a picture of this person with a perfect life that it wants for me but I don’t want a life. Life is hard when you go to bed with a bloody arm every night; it is hard knowing that nobody cares about you. It’s hard knowing that you don’t have that shoulder to cry on when you need it most. But every night the question I ask myself is why me? What did I do to deserve this pain that never leaves my side? Haunting me. Taunting me. I want to be okay. I want to be happy again. Every day I do my best to enjoy life even though I don’t want to continue it. Every night when I go to sleep I hope I never wake up. I try hinting that I need help even though I don’t think I can be helped. I’ve lost any hope I had in life. I used to say to myself, things will get better. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like the way I look. “I want to be skinnier,” I tell myself. I stop buying lunch at school. I stop eating breakfast. But I still look in the mirror after months of not eating and I still don’t like what I see. I keep going. I never feel comfortable in my own skin. I look at girls online but I’m never going to be as beautiful as them. But why not? Why can’t I be that beautiful? Why am I not as happy as them? Why am I me? Why?”
